Random Thoughts: Seasons one, two and three
by Kizmet
Summary: POV points of veiw pieces from various characters
1. Fool's Game: Jenny: Innocence

**A Fool's Game**

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer."

I can't even grieve for my uncle. I warned him that people would die, it only seems fitting that he should be one of the first to fall. 

Especially after his spiel on serving vengeance rather than justice. Vengeance is an evil master, it gives no satisfaction and it always hungers. 

What the demon Angelus did to my ancestor was awful. He seduced then killed a beautiful young girl who should have had her whole life in front of her. The loss of a child is a loss to everyone. Yet the damage Angelus did to my people was much less than the toll vengeance has extracted from us. 

For a hundred years we have been obsessed with tormenting an unfortunate soul that isn't even responsible for the crime it suffers for. Angel is not the demon which killed that girl. He's a good person, loving, protective and sweet. He is not capable of the things that the demon is guilty of. 

My people's choice of punishment is ridicules as well. The demon wasn't capable of suffering deeply enough for us so we called back the soul of a long dead boy who was as much a victim of the demon as the daughter of my tribe. That boy we didn't even have to punish the demon's action caused him more pain than we ever could. 

I was raised to believe in the rightness of my people's actions but meeting Angel, Rupert, Buffy and the others forced me to re-examine those beliefs. 

They do things because it is the right thing to do, my people are angry because Angel is saving people instead of drowning in despair. 

For decades Angel existed at the fringes of society so guilt stricken he could barely bring himself to kill the rats he fed off of, because he felt they were more worthy of life than he was. Back then my people were happy, well except for their fear that he'd take his own life and escape their punishment that way. 

They actually used to send people to talk to Angel about his Catholic heritage to discourage him from committing suicide. We not only wanted him to suffer we wanted to watch his pain. 

In the end it's all we had, our whole existence was centered on the misery of one unfortunate boy, it was pathetic. 

But not our crowning stupidity, that was reserved for the loophole in the curse. We left the demon a way back into this world. One of the most brutal vampires Europe had ever known and we leave him an opportunity to wreck havoc on the world again. What is the sense in that? 

Taking his soul back didn't hurt the demon, it revels in its rediscovered freedom. But it does harm the world at large, most particularly the girl who dared to love Angel. 

Buffy asked me what she was being punished for, I couldn't tell her she was being punished for my people's shortsighted vindictiveness, but it's the truth. 

She is the one who bares the burden of having killed her lover, she is the one who will have to destroy the demon who bares his face and possesses his memories. 

My people's vengeance punishes the world, it punished the boy Angel had once been, it punishes a girl who was born a century after the crime was committed, but it leaves the demon responsible for that crime untouched. 

Vengeance is a fool's game, and I am ashamed of my part in it. 

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	2. Returning to Life: Angel: Becoming

**Returning to Life**

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer."

The first things I'm aware of are the smells. It's not the alley outside of the pub in Galway; I know that right away. The ever-present tang of salt is gone from the air. I'd never noticed its presence, but I notice its absence. That smell had been a part of my word since my birth, and now it was gone. In its place was the smell of wood smoke and forest. 

It confused me. Everything confused me, I knew time had passed without my awareness, unimaginable time. I could sense a profound wrongness in my body, but I didn't understand what it meant. 

I opened my eyes and saw nothing familiar. Then a man spoke to me, he asked me if I hurt, promised me that more pain would come. 

I couldn't think why he hated me like that. I didn't know him, hadn't done anything to deserve this boundless hate. 

Then he told me what I'd done. Told me I'd killed people, so many people. I didn't, I hadn't killed anyone. Then it happened, just like he said, I remembered, every face, every scream. One hundred and forty-five years of atrocities. Act I couldn't have imagined yet I had committed them. 

In a matter of seconds I went from being a foolish boy to a monster beyond my own comprehension. 

My mind didn't wantto except it. As the memories filled me, my mind tried to flee from them. I couldn't deal with the memories. How could I? The mortal I'd been wasn't anyone I was proud of, but he'd never hurt anyone. He was the one that had to face the demon's actions and he didn't survive it. 

The mortal I'd been, Liam, died twice in truth. His body died under Darla's fangs in Galway. What she didn't get, the gypsies resurrected that night in Romania only to have it crushed under the weight of the horrors they forced him to face. 

I was quite a disappointment to the gypsies. They hadn't gone to all the trouble of cursing me only to watch me slip into catatonia only minutes later. 

It took them several more years and a number of spells, but in the end they had what they wanted. I had my soul and my sanity, they took from me the ability to find refuge in the dark, silent places in my mind. 

After that was done they let me go. For almost a century I wandered, nameless, alone. 

For years I had no peace no, refuge, no identity just pain and memories. The memories filled every moment of my life, I mourned my victims endlessly. It was my reason for existence, to be a living memorial to my victims. To grieve for those long dead, whose names had been forgotten by the world. 

Thanks to the demon's cruel games I knew so much about them, their hopes their dreams, their fears. Frequently, the demon had known his victims better than their own families had. Where other vampires saw humans as little more than cattle, my demon had reveled in learning their passions. He treasured the memories of their horror and bequeathed it all to me. 

Better than anyone I knew what the demon had taken from them when he took their lives. My victims were beyond any help, all I could do for them was regret and suffer. 

Around me the world changed and I hardly noticed. It didn't concern me, my purpose, given to me by the Rom was to remember, to grieve. It was how they intended for me to spend eternity. 

But time passed and the sharpness of the pain faded. Its endless, unceasing presence dulled my nerves. In the end the pain itself feared me from my torment. 

The demon laughed at the crudity of the Rom's torture, he was a master at it, they were but amateurs. They didn't recognize the need for the torturer to allow his victims occasional respite, else they loose the ability to feel pain. 

Given long enough, pleasure becomes less than a memory, pain ceases to hurt as the victim forgets what it is too not hurt. Both pain and pleasure are meaningless without the other for comparison. Without the contrast neither is real. Overloaded senses tire and fail to function, leaving the victim nothing but emptiness. That was the state Whistler found me in. 

He offered me hope, stirred my curiosity, gave me a new purpose, one that could relieve the pain with distraction. He warned me that coming back to the world would hurt me, and it did, viscously. But after so many years of numbness even pain was welcome. It felt like being alive again. 

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	3. He Deserves It: Xander: F,H&T

**He Deserves It**

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer."

Willow was crying when she told me what happened. 

Until then none of us knew the whole story. Four months ago Angel tried to end the world. Buffy was prepared to kill him to prevent that. Willow, Oz and Cordelia cast a spell to restore Angel's soul so that he wouldn't go through with destroying the world. And I told a little lie. 

Afterwards we all had questions about what had happened. Since the world didn't end and Buffy didn't come home we assumed that the spell didn't work and she killed Angel to prevent the apocalypse. 

We all were hurt when Buffy ran away and I was furious with Angel for that. Why not? I blamed him for everything else bad that had happened since Buffy's seventeenth birthday, and for quite a few other things before that too. 

When Willow told me what really happened, that the spell worked, but too late and Buffy had to send Angel to Hell despite him having his soul back, my first thought was, "good." I thought he deserved to be punished for what he did. 

Then I realized how bad Willow and Buffy felt about the whole thing, and if anything I hated him more. I mean he would have had to die in the way that would hurt my friends even worse than his actions had hurt them. I didn't know I could ever hate anyone the way I hate Angel. It was so easy to blame him everything on him. 

But that night the nightmare started. At first I couldn't even remember what I was dreaming. I remembered pain, fear and hopelessness, but no specifics. 

The nightmare became a nightly occurrence. After a few weeks I dreaded sleep. I would actually hang around the library hoping Giles would need my help with something after Buffy finished patrols. 

I'd go through Giles' books hoping to find some prophecy or something that would require the Scooby Gang's attention, except I kept getting sidetracked by passages about the demon dimension, or in layman's terms, Hell. 

The place where Angel was, where he'd be forever. It's ridiculous to say Hell is a bad place. It is the ultimate definition of a bad place. 

The more I read the worse the dreams got and eventually it occurred to me that I was dreaming about what Angel might be going through. 

Furthermore, it wasn't just empathy that made me have those dreams, it was guilt. 

Buffy felt guilty because she'd physically sent Angel to Hell. Willow felt guilty because her spell returned his soul so it was the good version of Angel who ended up in Hell. Me, I felt guilty because I'd told a lie. 

I was supposed to tell Buffy that Willow was trying to restore Angel's soul again. Instead I told her that Willow said to kick his ass. 

Buffy feels guilty for saving the world. Willow feels guilty for trying to save her friend. Whatever the final outcomes of their actions, their intentions were honorable. 

I can't say that. Oh I justify my actions by saying I didn't want Buffy distracted from the fight because I didn't want her to be hurt. Still even if that's true it wasn't the main reason for what I said. I could even justify myself by saying I wanted the demon to pay for his crimes, that's still not the whole truth. I hated Angel before he lost his soul. I hated him because of the way the girls all looked at him. 

Even after we knew what he was Buffy still loved him, Cordelia wanted him, every girl in the Bronze noticed him. Even Willow sighed over how romantic he and Buffy were. It was disgusting! 

What's so great about Angel anyway? Okay, the guy's good looking, I can admit that, but geeze, I've met rocks with more personality. 

Jesse and I aren't that bad looking ourselves and we were nice fun people. Jesse practically worshipped Cordelia and she despised him. I was always there for Buffy and she sees me as "one of the girls." Gee thanks Buff. 

The one time I think she's finally realized how perfect I'd be for her it turns out she was just trying to make Deadboy jealous. 

Beyond the whole girls issue, Angel is a vampire. I remember Giles telling us, "When you look at a vampire you're not looking at your friend, you're looking at the thing that killed them." 

Apparently Angel's the exception. Angel, not Jesse. My best friend gets turned into a vampire and I get a nice little lecture and have to kill him ten minutes later. 

Buffy falls in love with a vampire and we're all sympathetic. Where was Giles' pithy little speech when Buffy asked, "Can't a vampire ever be a good person?" 

Then when we find out that Angel wasn't the one that attacked Buffy's mom, we go to stop her from killing him. Why did we bother? He didn't attack Joyce, but what about the hundreds of other people he killed? Didn't he deserve to die for their deaths? 

Then when Angel reverts to form and starts killing again we go looking for a spell to recurse him. We didn't do that for Jesse, we just killed him. I just killed him, my best friend for forever and I had to kill him. But when it's Angel we try to save him, cause Buffy loves him. Anyone else we just kill. 

If Willow or I were turned I bet Buffy could stake us. It's just Angel that's different. 

I hate Angel, that the truth. Even when he has his soul I hate him, and without it he's the most evil creature we're ever faced. 

Oh the other would have killed us or ended the world, but Angel was worse. He wanted to hurt us mentally as well as physically. The others would hurt anyone that got in their way, but Angel's whole purpose was to torment us. His attacks were so personal, and what he did with Jenny's body; that was just sick. Two years of fighting vampires and other nightmares and nothing we had encountered comes close to that level of disturbed. 

And this is the one monster we try to save? Does anyone else see a problem with this picture? 

So why do I feel guilty about my part in sending him to Hell? I mean if anyone deserves that it's Angel, right? 

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	4. Mistrust and Wrongness: Buffy: Revalatio...

**Mistrust and Wrongness**

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer."

Giles said I kept Angel's return a secret because I know what I was doing was wrong. Giles is the one who is wrong, but I can't tell him that. 

Kissing Angel was wrong. I admit that, but it really was an accident, Xander's sarcastic comments aside. It was habit, it was seeing him looking so much like he used to after so long. 

Before Angel was the one person I could turn to for protection. It's hard being the chosen one, the one girl in all the world with the strength and ability to fight the vampires. I'm still a kid, kids are supposed to think that their parents can keep them safe. I don't have that; instead I'm supposed to protect them, and the rest of the world from the monsters. 

The one girl in all the world with the strength and skills, so who am I supposed to turn to to feel safe and protected? 

Angel made me feel that way. He was strong enough for me to lean on. He made me feel not so alone. I loved that almost more than I loved him. 

When Angel came back so sick and confused it scared me. It was sort of like facing Angelus again, he was Angel, but not my Angel. Only this time he wasn't evil, he was hurt, hurt so bad in mind and body that I wasn't sure he'd ever be whole again. 

I asked Giles in a pretend rhetorical question what Angel would be like if he came back from Hell. Giles told me he would be insane, that since he had his soul when I trapped him there his mind would have been destroyed by the centuries of torture. I was scared that Giles was right. When Angel first came back he was little more than an animal. When I looked into his eyes I saw only a cornered animal's fear, not love, not hate, not recognition of any kind. 

I was scared that that would never change, and it was my fault. My actions turned him into this. I knew I could never hurt him again, that I'd take care of him for the rest of my life even if he never got any better than he was when I found him. 

When he said my name I was beyond bliss. It was then that I know there was hope. Still he needed time to recover. 

I wasn't wrong to protect and care for Angel, he was hurt because of me and even more importantly he had cared for and protected me when I needed him, he held me when I cried, he tried to make me happy. He loved me, I loved him; how could I not help him? 

Maybe I was wrong to keep his return a secret, but what Xander did tells me that I was right not to trust my friends. 

That's what I can't say, why I didn't tell them. I wasn't ashamed of helping Angel. I was protecting him, from them, as much as anything else. 

Angel was so disoriented when he came back and he'd have spells of weakness where he couldn't even stand let alone protect himself. I didn't trust my friends not to hurt him, so I didn't tell them he was back. I knew he couldn't stay a secret forever. I just wanted to keep him safe until he'd had a chance to heal, until he could face them without being in danger. 

I didn't, I don't, trust my friends. It's a sad and scary thought. And look what Xander did the instant he found out about Angel. He sent Faith to kill him! Why did I keep Angel a secret? I wonder, maybe cause I didn't want him to die. You think? 

I wanted him to have the chance to get strong again. He needed time to find his way back to what he had been. He had changed so much. Before when he spoke so little he was cryptic and mysterious. When he came back it was because he wasn't comfortable talking anymore, almost like he'd forgotten how. His sentences were broken, as if he lost the strength to speak in the middle of a thought. 

Before he was so confident. The first time we spoke he was lying flat on his back in an alleyway, my foot pressing him into the ground, and he still had this presence that made him utterly unforgettable. When he came back he was a ghost, like he didn't know how to escape the shadows anymore. The confidence I'd originally been captivated by was gone. What was left was someone who was lost and in pain. A spirit haunting a life that he didn't know how to live anymore. 

He was so wracked with guilt; he couldn't have faced their anger and recriminations. Not then, he wasn't strong enough emotionally. So I lied. I lied to my friends, my mentor, and my mother, but I only lied because it was necessary to protect the one I loved. 

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	5. Waiting For Sunrise: Angel: Amends

**Waiting for Sunrise**

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer."

So alone. I can't go to her, she asked me to stay away. I could never do ought by what she asked. 

The others wouldn't have me. 

I went to him, to her watcher, her father in all but name. He only confirmed what they say. I'm evil, I deserve torment, nothing else, no comfort no peace. 

It's hard to argue with that, I know what I am. Still I'd hoped, prayed, that I'd suffered enough. That I'd been released from Hell because I'd been tortured enough, because the Powers that Be were giving me the chance to do something worthwhile with my life. 

I try not to listen to them, but they're the only voices I hear, the only ones who will even speak with me. They fill the silence that those I once considered friends left behind them. I know they're not real, can't possibly be real. They're dead, I should know, I killed them. Their blood coats my hands, so much blood. So many ghosts, so many lives ruined because of me. They remind me of that, that those I killed were only the foremost of my victims. That I did all I could to make each death a stone thrown into a pool, spreading ripples of pain and misery far beyond my direct influcence. 

All my life, I've done nothing but cause pain and misery. I remember, once long ago, when I was truly young, I used to hope. Like I told Dru, we all want to be good. I wanted to see pride in my father's eyes, I wanted to be good enough, just once. I wanted him to love me, but I was never worth his love, always a disappointment. 

What I told Dru was only the truth, as I saw it. We all want to be good, at first anyway, but that changes with time. Year in, year out being told or shown how worthless you are, it wears your soul thin. By the time I was in my teens I'd given up, why strive for something I'd never receive? It was easier just to be what they said I was. Easier to just take pleasure where I could, any pleasure I could find, no matter how hollow. At least it granted me a few moments when I could forget my life. 

If Darla hadn't taken me when she did I doubt I'd have had a soul left for her to steal. I was already so very dead inside. When she changed me she took my last lingering regrets over what I was, took the moral restraints that had prevented me from lashing out at a world I suddenly found that I hated. 

Before Darla changed me I hated only myself, for failing, always failing. For being what Marget, what my hallusination called me, "A drunken, whoring, lay-about and a terrible disappointment to my parents." 

Darla changed that, vampirism took my hatred and turned it outward. The gypsies made me back into what I'd been before, only with a century and a half of murders and other horrors to regret in addition to my own worthlessness. 

When Whistler came he gave me back the hope I'd lost as a child, the hope that I could do good, but it was a lie. 

In trying to be what I was not I only brought disaster on those who I had learned to care for. When I returned I held to that hope despite all evidence that it was false, despite the hatred and fear I could see written in they're eyes. I clung to the forgiveness Buffy could still offer me, and ignored that it was tainted with her own foolish guilt. She did nothing wrong, yet still she felt guilt because I forced her to hurt me, that was why she forgave me, not because I deserved it. The ghosts won't let me hide behind lie and false hope, they remind me what I was, what is real, and that my comforts are only illusions. Pretty lights and pictures that I used to hide from the darkness that fills me. They remind me that hope is only that, and not real at all. 

But it's so tempting, more addicting than any drug, hope. But not real. The ghosts tell me nothing I don't already know. I've succeeded at nothing but evil in my entire, unnaturally long, life. Why should now be any different just because some demon who must be color blind tells me so. Whistler just walks up to me one night and tells me I can be someone, someone to be counted. What did he know about me anyway? He didn't know about the loop-hole in my curse, that was for certain. Why should I believe he knew me, knew what I was capable of, better than my own father. 

They tell me what I am, that my father was right. It's funny, my own words to Dru keep echoing in my head. A lie for her, she was only a misunderstood girl who'd done nothing wrong, but truth when applied to me. Devil child, cursed in God's sight, my very existance an affront to the world. If not for Darla's interfearence I'd undoubtedly died young and unmourned, have left this world before I had the opportunity to do real harm. 

I told Dru to fulfill God's plan, to be evil, but I was wrong, God doesn't want us to be evil, mistakes like me are only meant to die. I was taught suicide is a sin, but not for me. I'm only fulfilling God's plan, dying before I can do more damage, like I should have done so long ago. 

They're right, Jenny's right, I'm not strong, not a fighter. I've always taken the easy way out, the path of least resistance. I know how to escape my pain, how long before I give in? How long before Buffy pays for my wakness again? 

Only one other way to end this, it's a sin, worse than murder, even a murderer can be absolved of his crimes. I'm different though, already dead in truth, animated only by a demon and stolen blood. The light of the sun burns away the darkness. The sun which gives life to all that's natural, that belongs in this world, will burn me to ash. The world wants me gone, sunrise is proof of that. 

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	6. Unexpected: Willow: Amends

**Unexpected**

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer."

Buffy told me what happened, what Angel almost did. She needed to talk to someone and I was the only one who might have lent a sympathetic ear. 

I wish she hadn't, cause now I need someone to talk to and there's no one left. 

Xander would make some horrid comment about wishing he'd done it and once again I realize that despite the fact that Xander is my oldest and best friend there are some things about him that I dislike. He has a side that's hard, unforgiving and cruel, a side that disturbs me. 

I absolutely can't go to Giles, he'd try to be understanding for my sake, but Jenny's death hurt him too deeply to ever see Angel as a friend again. I can't even blame Giles for that. 

Oz would be the best, but he didn't, doesn't, know Angel except by reputation. 

Buffy doesn't need any more burdens and there's no one else I'd even consider going to. 

Yesterday morning Angel tried to kill himself. When Buffy first told me I was stunned, then it sank in and I was only surprised he hadn't done it earlier. 

Now I feel so guilty, cause it's all of our faults. When we learned Angel was back we went on and on about how dangerous he was. No one, not even me, distinguished between Angel and the demon. 

Why did I bother to restore his soul if we weren't going to be comfortable unless he was dead? 

After the dust settled we all had a nice long talk about how everything would be all right as long as Buffy didn't `give him a happy', course the curse doesn't really say anything about no sex, it says no happiness. It didn't occur to any of us how awful it would be if we were deigned the right to be happy. 

Worse than that, after we decided Angel was, more or less, not a danger to us. We ignored him; eventually even Buffy decided it was too difficult to be his friend. We made it utterly clear that we held him responsible for the demon's crimes and that he was unforgivable. 

When an evil force singled him out to torment, we only grudgingly came to his assistance. If not for the dreams he shared with Buffy I doubt we'd even have done that. We never even bothered to tell him we had changed our minds and were going to help. Instead we left him to think he was alone, deserving of any pain that was visited upon him. 

Why should it surprise me that all that, on top of several centuries in Hell, should have driven Angel to contemplate suicide? 

Angel is not the demon. Angel is my friend; a friend who has saved my life more than once; a friend who has always treated me with consideration and respect, which is more than Buffy or Xander could say. I haven't been a friend to him since restoring his soul and that's going to change. 

It scares me that he had to try to hurt himself to make me realize how alone he was. If not for a freak snowstorm he would have died. I don't want him to die, yet another thing I only realized this morning. Now all I have to do is make sure Angel knows that. 

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	7. Death of Dreams: Willow: Consequences

**Death of Dreams**

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer" and "Angel".

Xander did it with Faith. He had sex with Faith. 

It's wrong. Your first time should be special. It should be with someone you love, someone who loves you. Not because you were there and it was convenient. 

Like Buffy said the boys Faith "connects" with are a joke to her. Xander deserves better. Faith will hurt him, if she hasn't already. 

Xander thought it meant something to her. Guys are supposed to be the only ones just doing it for the sex. Xander believed that garbage; Guys give love to get sex, girls give sex to get love, what a load of crap. Some guys are way better than that and then there's Faith who proves a girl can be every bit shallow as any guy you want to name. She didn't want Xander, just a body to take out her urges on. 

He's going to go talk to her, to try to get through to her. He has to do it, as much as to prove Buffy wrong as to try to help Faith… Why do we want to help Faith anyway? She's nothing but trouble… I know Xander; I know he didn't believe Buffy when she told him what Faith is. He can't accept it, not like that. Buffy was trying to be kind, to give him the pieces and let him put them together, but Xander is purposefully dense when it comes to rejection. He doesn't believe they meant it unless it hurts, well Faith will make it hurt. 

Buffy tried to set him down easy, Faith won't bother. She doesn't have it in her to be kind. "Take, want, have," that's Faith's motto. Her worldview doesn't include anybody but her. Why would she be gentle, Xander's feelings don't matter to her, just like Xander doesn't matter to her. 

He's going to get hurt, emotionally at the very least. I'm scared to think how else she may have hurt him, but chastity isn't exactly Faith's middle name and who know what she might have. 

As always, I hurt for Xander, I worry for him. I've loved Xander since kindergarten and that just doesn't go away. 

But I'm hiding in the bathroom crying for me, for the death of dreams of a little girl who doesn't exist anymore. Somehow I never even noticed it, but I'm not who I was before. Not innocent, ignorant, sweet little Willow. It took me years to figure out that Divinyl's song meant, it took quite a while even given the context Buffy brought it up in, but that was a very, very long time ago, or was it only a little more than a year ago? It feels so much longer than that. But today, I was the first one to realized what Xander had done with Faith, well before Buffy and Giles started saying "Oh," in that I'm-not-going-to-say-it way that we get when s-e-x comes up. 

I wonder if Giles can do that significant stammering thing on paper, if not the journal entry about how Angel lost his soul is bound to be confusing. 

I always thought that Xander and I were meant to be together. Even seeing him and Cordelia kissing didn't change that; even dating Oz didn't change it. I adapted it, we'd date other people, who were wonderful in their own way (well at least Oz was, I didn't think Cordelia was too great) then those relationships would painlessly disappear and we'd realize that it was supposed to be the two of us. We'd have the perfect wedding. My parents would be in town and not busy with work for once. Xander's parents would be sober and not fighting. It was going to be perfect, and then we'd live happily ever after, just like all the stories say. 

"They married and lived happily ever after," isn't that how all the Fairytales end? You always find your true love and they always love you back and everything is sweet and nice and simple. 

You don't pine for years while the prince chases every other princess in existence. You don't think maybe he wasn't the one after all, then end up hurting people when you finally get together. Sex only happens discreetly after the happily ever after and it's always the right couple. 

Breaking curses is always a good thing, and all it takes is a kiss. But that's neither here nor there. Xander and I aren't Buffy and Angel. There aren't any demons or curses or deaths standing in the way of our love… there just isn't that kind of love. We're friends, I had a crush on him forever that he didn't return and once it was too late we had a fling that even we can't explain which only resulted in pain. 

And now? I don't know. When I hurt Oz, I thought I'd die of the guilt. Xander and I were together, but it wasn't right or good or any of the things it was supposed to be. I love Oz, he's so sweet and considerate and he loves me. He noticed me when no one ever noticed me. And afterwards, I choose Oz, so why does this hurt? Why does the thought of Xander having sex make me feel like I'm being ripped apart? Why does Xander having sex with Faith make me feel like my little kid dreams are in ashes when my choosing Oz or his kissing Cordy didn't? Why am I feeling this now? 

I'm with Oz and Xander's looking… for what I'm not exactly sure. Not when I consider where he's looking. What did he expect to find with Faith. I mean Cordy's prettier than me and she's popular, all the girls wanted to be her friend and all the guys wanted her. It's been that way for so long. But Faith? Well, everybody's had her. 

Maybe it's because Faith is a Slayer. Like Buffy, the girl Xander always wanted but couldn't have. As if Faith is anything like Buffy. 

I know Faith had a hard life and that why she acts like she does. I should make allowances for her, because she doesn't know any better. It would be the nice thing to do and I'm a nice girl. 

Well look at what being nice gets me! Faith's exciting, all edges and nifty slang and danger. She fascinates them, like moths dancing around a flame. Both Buffy and Xander were drawn to that fire, to the freedom of doing whatever without a thought to right or wrong. Then, when Buffy got burned she came back to good old Willow, Xander will too. I'm the fall back girl, isn't that neat. The one they can count on, whose feelings never have to be consider, because hey she'll always be there. 

Well just once I want to be exciting, dangerous. I want to be everyone's first choice instead of everyone's doormat... 

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	8. Happiness Clause: Angel: Enemies

**Happiness Clause**

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer."

I love Buffy with all my heart and soul. She is the only sunshine in my life and protecting her gives my existence purpose. Still she can be frustratingly oblivious at times. 

It's not her fault, she's only eighteen, was only sixteen when this whole mess started. That's only one of the hundreds of reasons I never should have gotten involved with her in the first place. 

I knew what I was doing was wrong. I said it often enough that first year, but she never listened. I never should have expected her to, like I said, she was little more than a child. I tried to stay away, but I loved her too. I was lost from the moment I first saw her, a lovely, spirited young woman, with the weight of the world dropped unexpectedly on her shoulders. 

Every encounter with her only caused me to fall deeper in love with her. Her wit, her devotion to her friends, the way she took life on her own terms while still fulfilling her destiny, her vulnerabilities, everything about her drew me to her. 

Even so I should have been stronger, should have made her see that I wasn't worthy of her affection. I should have used my love for her to strengthen my resolve to do what was best for her, but I was so lonely. 

Buffy offered warmth, companionship, acceptance and of course love. Things I had believed I'd lost forever when I became a vampire. Since the curse I had been denied even a vampire's twisted version of relationships. Hell, before Whistler found me I'd spent almost a hundred years without speaking more than two sentences to another entity. I had been existing on the fringes of society, near enough to torture my self with what I'd lost, but never a part of it. 

Buffy brought me back to the world. She made me believe I might actually become a worthwhile individual. And it wasn't even the curse or the things that the demon had done in my name that had cost me my belief in myself. I hated myself long before Darla changed me. Buffy's love for me was a balm on injuries I'd never believed would heal. 

Which is why I have to leave. Buffy wants to believe everything can continue like it is, that as long as we don't have sex that it's safe for us to be together. 

God, it makes me want to shake her and scream "It wasn't the thrice damned sex!" It really wasn't, it was what it meant. Buffy trusted me and accepted me and loved me when no sane person would have. She wanted me when no one else in the world had for centuries. That was what broke the curse, not the physical act of sex. Although I throughly enjoyed that as well. 

If I hadn't been so worried about the Taraka assassins I surely would have lost my soul that night at the ice skating rink when she looked into the face of my demon with love not revulsion and then she kissed me! 

That was the first time I realized that she truly loved *me*, not just the human seeming I generally wear. No matter how much I pretend and want to be human, I'm not. Until that night I never would have believed that it was possible for her to understand that and still love me. Since my return I've come to believe that I was right in the beginning. That night Buffy accepted me completely, but she didn't truly understand what the demon ... What I was capable of. Now she does. 

The demon is part of who I am, even now, even with my soul, Buffy would like to believe otherwise. I almost corrected her when she told Willow that the Vampire Willow had nothing in common with the human she had once been. My sense of self-preservation stopped me from doing so. If Xander or Giles ever realize how much of the personality remains when one becomes a vampire I'd be dust in very short order. Neither of them could take me in a fight, but they are certainly capable of putting a crossbow bolt though my back. Not that I'd blame them, it would be the expedient thing to do, and I deserve it. 

See what happens when you become a vampire is your soul, that part of you that strives toward the light departs. In it's place you get a demon, blood lust, inhuman strength and all eternity to let your darkest impulse run wild. Of course having a soul doesn't necessarily prevent a person wrecking havoc on the world, Hitler always comes to mind as a prime example of how evil a soul baring human being could be. On the other hand ninety percent of vampires out there don't want anything more than to live... well not exactly live... exist comfortably. Oh they're still evil, they still kill people, but they have no desire to destroy the world. Heck most of them even supplement their diets with cold blood, or feed off animals. It isn't because they feel any guilt over killing, its just that too many drained corpses lead to inconvenient questions. On the Hellmouth the police and everyone else have learned to look the other way when the nightmares come calling, elsewhere creatures of darkness have to practice a little restraint to avoid angry mobs. 

Even Spike, despite his destructive tendencies and his two dead Slayers, wouldn't do anything truly catastrophic. I on the other hand happen to belong to the other ten percent of vampires. My soul changes that, it's what makes me truly unique, I am a demon possessed by a soul. One of the world's most viscous vampires, wanting to do good, to find redemption, but still a demon. 

Which is precisely why Xander or Giles should, and if they knew the truth, would kill me. Because it wasn't the demon's fault that I was such a monster, it was my own. The demon simply released my anger and darkness on the world, the demon didn't create my desire to see the world destroyed, it simply acted on it, and my poor battered soul is all that prevents me from doing it again. I shutter, because now I know about the happiness clause in the curse. I know what to do to end my pain. All I have to do it turn the darkness outward, release it on the world. Then I would be free, but at a horrible cost. 

Damn the gypsies and their stupid curse anyway! They had known it would be broken someday. Counted on it, and counted on the curse being renewed. That was probably why they watched me, so they'd know when I learned how to break it. So they'd know when to recast the damn thing. Because now that I know, the last century is going to look like paradise in comparison. This was the hell the Rom had planned bor me so long ago. 

And to make matters just that much more annoying Buffy, her friends, even Faith can't see past the blasted sex thing. If anyone should have realized sex and happiness aren't inextricably connected it's Faith. Sleeping around doesn't make her happy, why should she assume that it would be any different for me? It would have been so easy if sex had been the key to breaking the curse, sex is a choice. Happiness on the other hand is what sneaks up on you when you aren't watching. 

And then there's Buffy and her ridiculous idea that everything's fine as long as we don't make love again. Doesn't she realize how much it means to me every time she come to see me? How my heart soars every time I see my ring on her hand, worn with the heart facing in like I showed her? 

Why can't she see? I love her!! There is so much about her that brings joy into my life, because of that I have to always be on guard against happiness. Happiness is stealthy, it creeps up on me when I'm the one she turns to for comfort. Happiness is clever, it ambushes me when I marvel at her incredible grace and beauty. Happiness is patient, it waits for the inevitable, for my guard to slip. No one can be vigilant all the time, so I have to go. I have to hurt her, to make her hate me. I have to get away from the temptation she represents, before I give in and destroy us all. 

Therein lies the true genius behind the Rom curse: It makes me a willing participant in my own torture. I create my own cage with bars forged of misery, depression, and despair. Then I eagerly step in and lock the door behind myself, and pray to a god who must despise me for the strength to throw away the key. 

The End 

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	9. Responsibilty: Xander: Graduation Day

**Responsiblity**

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer."

We're all taking turns watching Angel while Buffy hunts Faith, but why did she ask me to do this. How can she possibly trust me to do this? 

I hate Angel. I voted against returning his soul. I tried to get Faith to kill him, hell; I wanted to watch Faith kill him. My lie condemned him to hundreds of years in Hell. How could they trust me to do this? 

He's so sick, so weak, anyone could hurt him. I shouldn't be here. What if Faith comes back to finish what she started, or if some other vampire comes after him? I don't know if I'd even try to protect him. I don't belong here. 

He's fevered, his sleep is restless. I can't imagine Angel sick. He's always so perfectly calm, centered. I hate that about him. Angel doesn't have to crack some stupid joke to hide how terrified he is. He isn't a burden on Buffy, forever needing to be protected. 

Except that's why I'm here, to protect Angel. What a joke, I can't even protect myself, and if Angel needs protection from anyone here it's me. 

I'm supposed to protect him, but how many times have I argued that he should be killed. Tonight I could do it myself. Just two seconds and a piece of wood and I'd never have to be jealous or afraid of him ever again. 

How dare Buffy trust me like this? I don't deserve it. I know that, she knows that. I'd lay down my life to protect any of the others, but I can't even promise to protect Angel from myself, let alone anyone else. 

What's worse is all my self-righteous condemnations of him are a sham. I know what it's like when a demon takes control. I know you can't fight it, that it will use you as it likes. 

I was possessed once myself. While the hyena spirit was in control I tried to rape Buffy, I hurt Willow and if I hadn't been locked in a cage at the time, would have gleefully participated in the murder of Principle Flutie. All in the space of a single day. 

No one holds me responsible for those things, but I hold Angel responsible for his demon's actions. No one has ever called me on that either. 

I don't know what I'd say if anyone ever did bring that up. I can hardly say that on some level I feel responsible for what happened while I was possessed. I don't want to point out that the things that I did weren't exactly random. 

The possessed me didn't go after just any girl, he went for the girl I'd been lusting after since the first moment I saw her. I hurt Willow, my best friend, because it was easy. Because I always knew she had feelings for me, and I was angry because it was Willow that loved me and not Buffy. 

Yeah, I'm not as obilvious as everyone thinks, I always knew Willow had a crush on me, but I didn't return her feelings, not then anyway. So I pretended ignorance, I thought I could avoid hurting her that way. 

Still my actions while possessed stemmed from my real feelings, and I should have been punished for them, just like Angel should be punished for what he did. 

He's so helpless. Angel helpless, it's inconceivable. Buffy said he was pretty bad off when he first got back from hell too, but it just doesn't fit into my image of Angel. 

Actually it makes it easier to resist the temptation to just kill him then go home for a good night's sleep. 

Damn, it looks like he's waking up. He slept clean through Giles' shift, why couldn't he have done the same for me? 

Buffy said be reassuring, make sure he knows he's not alone. I don't want to talk to him; I don't want to be here. 

Angel's eyes search the room, but he doesn't focus on anything. "Buffy?" he asks weakly. 

"She's getting your cure," I say, my voice is cold. I don't think Buffy should be risking herself for him, Angel's not worth it. He's not worth risking her life for; he's not worth killing for, not even Faith. 

I'm afraid of what killing Faith will do to Buffy. When it's all said and done Faith is still a human being. Isn't killing someone what corrupted Faith? And that was an accident; Buffy went out tonight intending to commit murder. Angel's life isn't worth that stain on her soul. 

"I need to talk to her," Angel whispers. 

"She's not here," I snap. 

"I have to tell her I'm sorry," Angel continues. "I don't mean to hurt her, but it doesn't matter what ever I decide it hurts her." 

"We've all noticed," I reply. 

"I tried not to let her love me. I tried to explain why she shouldn't but she'd get mad then go do stupid things that could have gotten her killed. So I gave in and did what she wanted." Angel's bitter, ugly laugh interrupts his monologue. 

"I thought she was right, that maybe, I was the one who could make her happy. But I loved her too much and it broke the curse. 

"When I came back I tried to encourage her to move on with her life, but it didn't make her happy, and I needed her too much. My need was dragging her into my world. I don't want her here, it's so hideous. 

"So I made myself get stronger. I won't be a burden to her, I won't. Then we were back to where we started. I love her but I'm not good for her. 

"Everyone knows it. I had to leave her. God, it was like tearing my heart out of my chest, but I did it. It would have been easier to die for her…" Angel's voice trails off. His hand brushes against the wound on his chest, dark lives radiate out from the wound, visible traces of the poison killing him. 

"I should have waited," he whispers. "My dying doesn't hurt her less because I broke up with her. If I'd just waited I could have died having hurt her one less time. Every choice I make is wrong." 

I can't help but wonder if Angel realizes who he's talking to. He can't mean to tell me this. He knows me, I will take what he's told me and hurt him with it. 

Cordy and I were a great match that way, we both know how to use words as weapons. Cordy defeated Lyle Gorch with words, I did the same with Jack O'Toole. 

The only thing is Cordy and I tend to hone our skill with words on the people around us. I trusted Cordy with my secrets and she used them to hurt me. Now Angel has given me the keys to truly wounding him. He shouldn't have, cause I don't want the responsibility to not use this, just like I don't want the responsibility for protecting him. 

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	10. Similarities: Angel: Graduation Day

**Similarities**

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer" and "Angel".

"I'm still key guy?" Xander asks anxiously and I want to laugh bitterly at the boy's desperate need to be important, to be special. 

I don't like him, and not just because of the Deadboy cracks and all the other garbage I put up with from him. I don't like him because I understand him. 

He thinks of himself as a failure, the Zeppo to use his terminology. Xander's been told that so often he believes it. Told by his family as well as his classmates unless I miss my guess. In response he acts the part, the class clown, a few centuries ago it would have been the rake. He could still follow the rake's path, if he ever learned to dress the part. One only has to look at the mess Xander made with Willow and Cordelia to know that he could manage it. 

He's insecure, and he'll attack anyone he sees as a threat to what's his, which is why we'll never get alone. Forget about us being friends, I won't let us be friends even if Xander would. 

He doesn't really see anyone else's insecurities. It would never occur to him that I'm as jealous of his ability to be a part of Buffy's daylight life as he's jealous of her love for me. Xander didn't see that he had the ability to hurt Cordelia until it was done; he took her insults at face value and never saw that she loved him. Not until it was too late, but I'd bet that seeing her hurting took some of the sting out of loosing her, at least he had been important to her. 

Given time and a several more screwed up relationships he'll learn to break it off when they're the one who's going to be hurting. Given time he'll learn to make playing with other people's emotions a game. His feelings never meant more than that to those hurt him for so many years, why should theirs mean anything to him? 

He's already learning to fight; it won't be long before the next bully to try to pick on him will get a nasty surprise. He's getting tried of being the victim, and he's not weak anymore. The only reason they can hurt him now is he lacks the confidence to win. He's been fighting demons for years now, things with superhuman strength who'd enjoy killing him, what's he really got to fear from some kid with a chip on his shoulder. 

If Xander ever gets turned I'll stake him before he even rises, because he'll make one hell of a vicious vampire. 

How can I be so sure? Because once upon a time I was him. 

Showing the world an idiot child, proud of the worthlessness of his life, uncaring of the criticisms my father heaped on me, secretly wanting more than anything to be special to someone, anyone. I would have died before sacrificing my baby-sister's good opinion of me. No one ever saw that I hurt or that I despised myself, but when I was turned my past misery let me see the hidden pain in others and I knew exactly how to exploit it. 

When I was human I was completely unforgiving of anyone's fault. Like Xander, loudly judging everyone around me to hide the lack I saw in myself. 

I can see so much of what I was in Xander, except he hasn't fallen yet, not even to the level I had when Darla first found me. With Buffy, Willow and Giles as his friends he probably won't end up like that either. 

Is it any wonder I don't like him? He's so much like me, but he's going to make it; I didn't. He had friends to prevent him from destroying his life; I had to make all the mistakes and learn every lesson the hardest way possible. There are choices one can never un-make, I made the wrong ones, and I have to live with that for all eternity. Xander doesn't have to face that. 

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